For too long I’ve spent my life trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be instead of who I am. I’ve masked my autistic self, I’ve learned the outside world’s noise language, and I’ve hidden and subdued my sensitive, picture-thinking, autistic mind. I’ve also masked how much I struggle in this world and I have stayed quiet about how much help I need because when I have let it show or I have tried to ask for help, I have been gaslighted and have had my experiences mislabeled and invalidated. So I’ve smiled, despite how much pain it has been causing me, and I have kept my pain silent inside of me. I’ve let other people tell both me and others my story even though deep down I knew they were telling it wrong, and that I wasn’t crazy, broken, bad, or whatever misperceptions they had about me. However, my truth stayed within me, even though it was buried. Their words couldn’t kill it, and now I have been letting it grow, and I am ready to share it with the same world that has hurt me so much.

A friend asked me how I felt about creating such a vulnerable collection this year, and it took me several weeks to process the question. The answer, though, is this: I’m so worried no one will even understand this collection or be able to see beyond the darkness it contains, but I hope some people will slow down and try to hear the story I’ve told here with both my writing and my art. It’s MY story in MY language that is a language of feelings, writing, and pictures. It’s not a story that can be rushed through, and it needs to be felt, but I don’t know if anyone will be able to understand it. Still, I want to tell it, and I want to tell it this way.

For me, this collection, the telling of my story in my own language, is not an act of vulnerability. Just living in this world that’s not made for someone like me is a constant act of vulnerability. For me, this collection is for all of the times I, and others like me, have had their autistic minds and experiences gaslighted, invalidated, misdiagnosed and mislabeled, punished, silenced, judged, stereotyped, and overspoken. This is me fighting back against all of the darkness and injustices I’ve experienced, and refusing to stay silent, or change my truth. This is my story, but it is just one of so many that need to be told, and I hope more people will take the time to slow down and listen to them. The telling of my story here in my own language to a world with its flawed systems that have tried to keep me silent and have hurt me so badly is something entirely different from vulnerability. This is An Act of Defiance.

An Act of Defiance